Deal with bias, prejudice or bullying at work by using either ‘I’, ‘it’ or ‘you’ statements

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Bias, prejudice and bullying are three train wrecks in our workplaces, argues consultant Kim Scott.
We need to understand them – each is different, even if we usually treat them synonymously – and develop skills to handle them when they are wielded against us.
As a starting point, she offers these handy distinctions between the three:
Intention may not matter, however. We are all biased, for example, and since it doesn’t usually come from ill intent it can be tempting to dismiss bias as less severe than the other two infractions. While that may be true from the perspective of the person who caused harm, she stresses it may be different from the perspective of the recipients of bias. Many find it more harmful than harassment or bullying because it happens more frequently.
You need to determine whether inoffensive statements or actions are bias, prejudice or bullying, and calibrate your response accordingly, whether as an individual or a leader.
With bias, she recommends an “I statement,” offering your perspective on a situation, thus giving the other person a new lens through which they can understand what’s happening. The simplest “I statement” is a factual correction. A common example is when somebody assumes a man is the leader in a group. If you are the man, simply say, “I am not the decider here; she is.”
If the person has said something inoffensive, Ms. Scott recommends responding, “I don’t really think you meant that the way it sounded to me.” That indicates how the statement landed for you without deliberately attacking the person making the comment. Another response to a common situation: “I don’t think you’ll take me seriously when you call me honey.”
Ms. Scott says an “I statement” is a generous response to someone else’s unconscious response, helping them to learn. It’s also a good way to figure out whether the situation is in fact bias or there is something deeper.
Usually if it’s deeper, you are dealing with prejudice – something conscious. The individual has commented that one race is inferior or superior or a given generation slower or faster on the uptake.
Holding up a mirror with an “I statement” won’t work. “It’s useful instead to draw a clear boundary: A person can believe whatever they want, but they can not impose their beliefs on others,” Ms. Scott writes.
The technique to employ is an “it statement,” which states the boundary by appealing to the law, an HR policy or common sense. She offers this example: “It is against the law / an HR violation / ridiculous to refuse to hire the most qualified candidate because of their hairstyle – or any other identity attribute.” You want to leave some room for discussion. But the boundary must be definitely stated.
With bullying – abusive conduct that is threatening, intimidating or humiliating – pointing out the pain the bully is causing through an “I statement” may only encourage them further. And because bullies usually like to break the rules, setting out a boundary doesn’t help either.
Instead, she recommends a “you statement”: “What’s going on for you here?” or “you need to stop talking to me in that way.” The bully is trying to put you in a submissive position, but this response puts you in the active role, making clear you will not tolerate their abuse, and shines an uncomfortable spotlight on their behaviour.
No, it’s not easy. But it’s a direction forward for handling the three train wrecks we are forced to grapple with at work.
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.